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ImaginaryTwilight
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Name: Bri.
Gender: Female
Interests: Simplicity, art of any kind and especially Vincent van Gogh, cupcakes and brownies with Reese's Cups in the middle, acting, good rpg's, the Latin language, Oscar Wilde, rainy days, Shakespeare and listening to as much good music as I can get my hands on.
Expertise: I've concentrated an awful lot of brain space on knowing as much about Greek and Roman mythology as I can remember. I have expended an equal amount of brain space learning useless information, particularly about movies, actors, and trivia about the two. I'm also pretty good at dreaming during both night and day, sleeping, listening, acting, and sarcasm.
Message: message me
AIM:  btriehuggerb
Member Since:
5/2/2005
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| Sometimes I think...I will always be afraid. If you could go back and change things, would you? I want you to say no, because saying no means that it was all worth it. That I was worth it. But I don't think you would think of it that way. I think you would say yes, because you wouldn't realize what saying yes means. I want our relationship to be about more than DnD than video games. I think you know what I want our relationship to be, but I think you aren't ready for it to be there yet. And that's ok. It's a lot, I know. But some effort now and then would be nice. In fact, it would make me less tense about a lot of things - if you spent a fraction of the time you spend on DnD planning something romantic, I would be thrilled. It's not really the frequency with which you play DnD, or wish you could play it. It's more the fact that you put so much more effort into doing that then...anything with me. That's what sucks. | | |
| Sometimes I just can't deal with this. Too many thoughts, too many fears, too many worries. Too many lies. But I don't think you thought much about them at the time. I think it's ok now. I have to hope it is. Otherwise, I'll go crazy. I just don't know. Too many worries... Way too much paranoia. | | |
| I just want peace of mind... is that so much to ask?
I want my thoughts to stop swirling. I want my mind to calm down. I want it to forget every terrible joke I made throughout the day, every reproachful remark I earned, every small failure I brought upon myself and every snide remark made at my expense. I want my mind to realize that I cannot, not ever, live up to the standards of perfection that it has put forth for me. I want to know why my mind continues to think I can be anything like the image it retains of me.
I feel broken, again. I don't want to be defined by medication, and I don't want to think that the only reason I'm happy or in control of my own emotions is because I'm on medication. I want to be happy because I feel happy, not because I am being regulated by 60 miligrams of Prescribed Contentment. I am in need of Stratera for concentration and intellect, Vitamin A for happiness, Iron for strength and birth control for mood and the ability to deal with life. It doesn't seem like much medication, but to my body and mind it is everything. And I hate that. I hate that in order to come close to fulfilling the standards of perfection that I have so heavily and so obstinately placed upon my own shoulders, I must throw back pill after pill every single day.
I want to well because I am well. I want to be happy because I am happy. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I've become cold and harsh, trying to keep up in the company of men who like to badger and insult each other for shits and giggles. I retaliate, to keep up, to stay afloat, to feel included in the humor, to be accepted by the group. And I feel harsher for it. The false, humourous insults of "bitch!" ring truer in my ears than they should, because in insulting my friends, though it was all in good humor, I have fallen from those standards of perfection put forth on me by myself.
I just want to feel whole. Whole without medication, whole and appreciated for that wholeness. Is that so much to ask? | | |
| So my mom got my computer working again =P She is still bragging about it, but rightfully so. I am really impressed, she fixed everything that was wrong and it's even a bit faster than it was before. Yay for moms.
Oh, and I'm 20 now! My birthday was on Thursday and it was AMAZING. My mom surprised me in the morning with a trip to a local spa. Oh my gosh, it was so great. It's run by a massage therapy school, and it's designed so that you get a great spa experience and the students get to train, and it's inexpensive. My mom got me a salt scrub (my skin was like silk afterwards) and a half hour massage. It was great. If you're able to visit in the summer, I think we should try and check it out. A full hour massage is forty bucks, and a half hour is twenty. Just something to think about =]
So after the spa my mom took me to lunch at La Piazza, that lovely little Italian place we went to. Then I came home and digested for a bit and then went over to Matt Vance's to hang with him and the guys for a bit. We played old N64 games and played on his massive computer (he's using a 40 inch tv screen as his monitor. Yeah.). Then we went to Cracker Barrel, up in Piqua, where we met my Matt and one of his friends for a birthday dinner. Afterwords we were all out on the porch together, waiting for my friend Ian to finish buying something. So, it was me, my Matt, Matt Vance, friend Dandoe and Matt's friend Phil (there will be a test later, keep up :P) and as we were talking I said, "Can you guys do me a favor and sing Barbara Ann in four part harmony?" cause I've had it in my head for like WEEKS. And so they did, or at least they tried. They did a few different times, switching around the falsetto part. Then Ian came out, and he was able to do the falsetto so they finally got it and it was amazing because there were three old people behind me, staring at these five young guys singing Barbara Ann at Cracker Barrel xP Then they sang me happy birthday and it was very sweet.
Then the guys and I had to head back to Troy and unfortunately my Matt couldn't come. Sadface =[ Well, the guys and I ended up at Walmart and Matt Vance bought me a big Nerf compound bow for my birthday. It is so epic! It makes me feel like such a badass xP hahah anyway! We also ran into Jareth, who was coming in after work to buy me a birthday card. He got me an Alice in Wonderland poster and the most hilarious birthday card I've ever gotten. He got me a card for a four year old and it's pink with a huge rainbow and a really cutesy unicorn on it and it says, "You're 4!" I laughed so hard. On the inside he wrote, "isn't a shame that 20 is not this beautifully depicted?" It was amazing.
So then after walmart we went back to Vance's house and played more old N64 games. I tell you what, I still have so much nerdy fun playing Pokemon Snap. Then we played DnD for a really long time and it was pretty much one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Definitely ranks in the top two. My 16th birthday was really awesome, and this was basically as perfect. If you and Uni and Brittany had been here it would have been 100% the best birthday ever. But as it stands it was great. :)
OH! Wednesday night. Cheryl took me to a free Ingrid Michaelson/Mat Kearney concert in Columbus! It was SO great!!!!! Ahhhh I want to go back. Ingrid was hilarious, and Mat was pretty funny as well. I took some videos I'll try and get to you at some point. That was her birthday-eve present to me. She's a student at OSU so she got us in free.
So. My computer is fixed and I am able to get on...I could do Monday or Wednesday night after 7. I could also do Thursday or Friday anytime in the evening. Just let me know! I love you girl. and I hope you loved Alice =] | | |
| Jealousy, anger, hurt, fear, paranoia, insecurity. I remember them well, and it's scary to see them back back, standing in a cirle around me and anticipating my downfall. I am on a path, made up of frayed, cracking bricks and old self-loathingk and at the end I can see the whirlpool - the one that pulls me down into a spiral of self-destruction. It sucked me in once and I thought I wasn't ever going to make it out. But I did. I fought and I cried and I struggled and I clawed, and finally I was happy again. My mind was normal....flawed and steady and perfect. Now....here I am again...I can't turn away...and I hate...hate hate hate...that I feel like the only thing that's going to turn me around is that bottle of pills, but god damnit! if that's what it takes... then that's what it takes. I won't go back there again. I won't! And everytime you mention her name, even in passing, jealously pushes me one step closer. Anger laughs, as though he's right and hurt just grimaces, because he always knows. Paranoia and insecurity flutter around me, whispering and prodding and poking, and fear hangs around me like she's so glad to see me again. I have to shrug her off. I have to push them away and push back. I will not go down that road again. I will not screw this up and I will not be made to lose you... I will not. | | |
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